You might think you’re quite a bit higher than the octopuses on the species pecking order, but have you ever considered: an octopus will never go bald and have to endure every half-baked bald joke under the sun from his idiot mates. How old were you when you first gave yourself a sustained penetrating look in the mirror, and asked yourself the question, ‘will I go bald?’ And have you ever glanced up at a security mirror in a store and chuckled to yourself while thinking ‘check out that balding dude’ and then recoiled in horror when you realised that dude was you! Or have you ever been Skyping your friend and you leaned down to pick something up and he bursts into laughter and tells you you have a bald patch on your head in the exact shape as an xbox controller? Nothing is crueler than male pattern balding. And nothing is sweeter than finding an attractive woman who doesn’t care about it.
The real problem with balding isn’t the hair loss, it’s the inordinate amount of concern and attention some men give to it. Their fear of becoming less attractive ironically fosters the genuinely unattractive habits of vanity and self-absorption. If you’re going bald, don’t worry about it, do something kind for someone else – that’s the best way to defeat your anxiety. Consider supporting a wonderful charity like St Baldricks, who organise head-shaving fundraisers for kids with cancer. Now these are people with real problems who would really appreciate your help.